girlshawnie: (Default)
2023-09-15 08:33 pm
Entry tags:

Stuff

I just spent the week with family. I live in a 5th wheeler (270 sqft) for the last 3 years and plan on staying here until I’m done. My family lives in 2200 sqft house (they have a big family) and they have a second house.


It’s always so surreal when people with that much space has a very full house with stuff with all of their things.

I have to make lots of decisions about what to get rid of if I’m bringing something new into the space. I have to decide on how little food to buy because of the space.

Family was telling me about these wood they scored and will store until next gardening season when they make some raised beds.

I remember when I was that person with all the stuff. The curio cabinet stuffed full of bs and the wood piles for projects only I paid for it.

I’m not jealous I m just in awe at how different I am.
girlshawnie: (Default)
2023-09-03 09:31 am
Entry tags:

Facebook

I hate Facebook. I hate it. I forgot I had this account. 🥰

Writing whatever I feel is freeing. If you free write a few minutes a day it helps destress your day. I head that somewhere. I usually have a lot on my mind and getting it off my chest is freeing.

Like last night I’ve been over thinking the whole thing. We went to the local music festival, the music sucked, the food sucked. The company was great but I felt like I kept saying all the wrong things. It was nice to sit and visit where it quite but still I said all the wrong things. I need to work on conversations
girlshawnie: (Default)
2019-09-09 01:58 pm
Entry tags:

I should be better

I never realized how awful my anxiety was until I wanted to go for a walk and saw people walking down the street. I can deal with the deer and the coyotes but people, mm no. I don’t know how to be around people. Going on the bus, going to the city no problem, that’s different. These people might want to talk. It’s happened before. Can I just make myself big and scary like I do with the animals and scare them off? Probably not. Hmmm


I need to walk my pain is high and my depression is slowly working itself back into my life. The whole question of why does it matter pops up a lot when I’m depressed and that’s happening again. I’m over living with a partner that doesn’t want to do anything.

I’m going to start planning day trips without him. The biggest issue I have is exhaustion and it’s pretty bad. I did the anti inflammatory diet and I’m pretty much sticking with it now because of how bad the exhaustion is. When I eat bad it’s so much worse. Walking is insane. K noticed it and managed me last weekend.

This is where my depression is coming from. We took a walk around Coupeville and I was broken the rest of the day. At the end of the month I’m seeing my doc because walking or working out shouldn’t wreck me.

I’m depressed because I’m stuck, even if I had a car and friends I wouldn’t be able to kore than 20 min before I’d need a nap. I’m a wreck and I eat good, don’t drink and don’t do drugs. I walk every day (3 times a day) for ten mins each time. Something is wrong.
girlshawnie: (Default)
2019-04-18 11:50 pm

We Matter

So we are still in the middle of everything but he did it, he went physically to three different lawyers and talked to them. None of them were going to help us except one with money down. We have no money down.

I can’t say how happy I am my husband went to fight for us. It’s something so monumental I’ll never be able to explain it.


I can take the fight back I think.

I just needed to quit Wellbutrin and know We still mattered. We do.

The shit we’ve been through it amazes me we are still together. We as a couple matter and I’m thankful for that because if I were alone I know I would have killed myself by now. My depression gets harder every year. I don’t see the point in so much and reading ego centered science fiction from 1950’s writers doesn’t help.

Half way through starship troopers and I’m just a little more depressed as this kid comes to term with his reality.

Anyway I’m just thankful my husband herd me and did something. I wish I could stop being so angry now and share positive happy warm thoughts with him but I can’t even get my eyes to dry up. Loosing a live long dream house is fucking hard.

It’s not like it’s lavish or overly expensive. I don’t do drugs, shop or drink. I’m broken and because of that broke so I’m loosing my home. My husband is almost over his ptsd from the refinery explosion and is finally looking for work that isn’t 14.00 an hour.

Two grown ups that use to make $180k a year live on $14 an hour. You’d be depressed to.

My life wasn’t supposed to end up like this. I was supposed to be happy and comfortable. I pulled myself up out of the ghetto, raised two boys on my own, worked in IT and felt with sexual harassment on the daily. My life has been shit with my health and poverty. When will I be able to keep a home and not be homeless?

Before kindergarten I was homeless, my mom sent me to live with my great grand mother, she died. By kindergarten I can remember 8 different homes. I remember living in a Volkswagen bus, in California in Philadelphia and in the forest. Before my siblings came along I felt like I never had a home.

This is my forever home. I need a lawyer who will help me keep it my forever home.

Dear universe please send me help before April 30 that knows WA housing laws. Thanks
girlshawnie: (Default)
2019-04-03 08:16 am

House stuff and SSDI stuff

I’ve been trying to let go of my house but I just don’t want to. I keep thinking if I had a lawyer and fought harder I could win ssdi and keep my house.

My trees my kid gave me are here and the chickens and my plate glass windows that don’t work that I love that show me such beauty and ....

I’m a realist, we are broke. My check, when it happens - worst case scenario will be 700 to 800 a month. K makes 14.45 an hour. The house needs a new deck, a new roof, a new septic pump and I suspect the hot water heater isn’t long for this world either. The deck is scary and barely staying on. It should have been ripped off last year.

What I’m saddest about are the 4 trees I’ve planted, the fushia plant and the other plants that return every year. My lavender bushes that are incrediable and rosemary that’s just lovely. The soil I worked so hard to make fertile and useable. It doesn’t happen in a season it takes years to get rid of chemicals. The lady before me would use round up. I could be certified organic if I wanted to be.

I’m sad about how amazing this place it now and I have to give it up because I’m poor. It needs a new wrap and new windows and I can’t afford that. Owning a home is hard, it’s so much harder than I ever imagined. K keeps telling me he can do the work but he’s going to be 50 this year and I want us to enjoy the life we have together before we don’t have one.

I’m letting the house go and I think this is our 2nd to last month here. I’m really really over the top sad about this. I pray the next owner love this land as much as I do if not more.

I hate that I failed so fucking hard at this one thing at least I’ll leave it better than I found it.
girlshawnie: (Default)
2018-08-24 09:56 pm

(no subject)

The 21st century cures act

I’m watching C-SPAN and they said because of the 5billion $ in funding they can now do so much more. They made me cry a lot.

Mind mapping and not just that paper thing but with research and doctors.

Here’s the research from NIH..
https://www.nih.gov/research-training/medical-research-initiatives/cures
girlshawnie: (Default)
2018-08-08 08:20 am

(no subject)

I use to have an LJ and the best part was reading other people’s stories. I’m so glad I found dreamwidth. If I randomly add you that’s why 😊
girlshawnie: (Default)
2018-07-28 08:18 pm

Ssdi paperwork questions

There were a few questions that were like what? But one I just couldn’t get past was what do I fear. Oh my gawd The list is long but I put down volcanoes, the plague and some else. I don’t remember. But I obsessively read the cdc and the earthquake website. The ring of Fire in the Pacific is gonna go I believe in our live time which is why the east side of the country is colder in the winter then we are anymore.

The cdc does things like track weird illnesses https://wwwnc.cdc.gov/eid/article/24/8/17-1595_article

My brother, the same brother with their freak bike accident, got this weeks before.

They also track Zika and so in. There’s a weird thing happening in Vietnam with babies being born with encephalitis. I think there will be a plague that will wipe out 2/3 of the world because of natural selection.

I blame corporations.
girlshawnie: (Default)
2017-04-14 02:34 pm
Entry tags:

buh bye live journal hello Dreamwidth

I just downloaded 15 years worth of LiveJournal.
girlshawnie: (Default)
2017-04-11 11:11 am
Entry tags:

a blast from the past

I was cleaning up old lj entries and thought I'd share this one into the ethereal. it was originally from email hahaha


2003-01-23 I got a 48 :)

Thought you might want something to do that was fun.
It's only 10 simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter! answers.

Ready??
Begin... ================================================================
1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon & and early evening
c) late at night
2. You usually walk;
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d)less fast, head down
e) very slowly
3. When talking to people you;
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair
4. When relaxing, you sit with;
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you
5. When something really amuses you, you react with;
a) a big, appreciative laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile
6. When you go to a party or social gathering you;
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted, do you;
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes
8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray
9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie;
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers
10. You often dream that you are;
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant

answer key
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f)
1 Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care". You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature. UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want! to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.
girlshawnie: (Default)
2017-01-07 02:17 am

New Blog

This is a new place and I'm looking forward to creating a long lasting relationship with dreamwidth.
I don't have a whole lot to say. I write to clear my mind when I'm stressed out and I don't really feel stressed out. I'm lonely, frantic about not working, but not stressed.

I worry I'm going to lose my car because I have no money to pay for it but it's happened in the past. I'll be sad so no big whoop. Well I take that back. It is a big deal I'm just not pouring a ton of emotional energy into it.

I'm not putting a lot of emotional energy into anything. I've been working to help the man back from a long road of hell.

I guess I'll keep this open until my friends move over from lj.